Elephant Vs Jackass went on Vacation and I am well aware that I suck for not posting in two weeks, but I promise to win back your affections.

Ok, I am sorry I stopped posting for a couple weeks in the midst of one of the most important political decisions in our countries history. I was on vacation in places with little or no internet, and was unable to post, and frankly I think I was suffering from "electile dysfunction". Probably, like many of you, I had OD'd, on CNN, and MSNBC discussing the DNC and GOP on my TV. I was beginning to formulate advanced theories about Anderson Cooper being a cyborg, and Paul Begala and Dennis Kucinich forming an underground leprechaun army, and all sorts of other completely off the wall theories. But, after a little down time with the family in the woods, I am ready to steamroll through the rest of this election and beyond. Hopefully you'll forgive me, even if it's to late to 'pologize (hey). I'll make it up to you. I'll take you to a fancy dinner where I'll order us the cheapest bottle of wine possible, we'll both get drunk, and have hours and hours of hot and dirty make-up blogging...I'll pick you up at 8...where something nice.

So, with my apology out of the way, let me fill you in on my trip a little, and then we can move on to voter fraud, Joe the Plummer, Dress-me-up Caribou Barbie, and all sorts of other fun stuff. It was really interesting going back to the Midwest after pissing away here in Los Angeles for most of this election cycle. I had only seen pictures on TV of what a McCain/Palin bumper sticker or yard sign looked like. Frankly, I thought that maybe McCain and Palin were just mythological creatures, like Mormons. But, when I was traveling through Western Pennsylvania and into Northern Ohio, I saw a lot of McCain and Palin signs. Thankfully there are more than enough people in those parts that know that what this country really needs is an erratic, old-balls, self-proclaimed maverick for president, and a comedy writers dream come true waiting in the wings. Of course there were quite a few misguided souls who decided to litter their slowly browning lawns with Obama paraphernalia as well. Don't they know that this is Republican country? You know, the pro-American part of the country. Not the Anti-America part like where I live. Well, I had a very nice visit with my in-laws, and for the most part, adhered to my wife's rule that I could not talk about politics.

The second part of my trip took me to see my family in Michigan, which was astonishingly beautiful at the time with all the leaves changing. From the moment I got in the car with my Dad at the airport and started driving off, I could tell things were quite a bit different in Michigan than they had been in Ohio. Even in very rural area like where my parents now live, I could have hopped across the state from one Obama sign to another (if they weren't made of low-grade vinyl and Popsicle sticks). Even stranger than that was seeing my grandparents. My grandpa is 87 years old and has never in his life voted for a democrat. This year, he will.

Perhaps, that's what gets lost in the rhetoric of 'change'. In places like Michigan, where people have really been hit hard, people aren't just asking their government to change, their asking themselves to. It's easy to lose sight of what's really going on out there when you're living in a place like Los Angeles. In California, we change just for the sake of changing sometimes...wait, I changed my mind on that thought...nope...changed it again...we're ok now. But in the vast majority of the country, change takes a little bit more time to work it's way through the system - take for example all the people I saw wearing Ed Hardy shirts - Ed Hardy is so 2007. Seriously, people are in no hurry to keep up with the 'changing' ways of us California folks. Did you hear the new Bing Crosby album? It's killer.

The point is that, as divided as this country seems, we all seem to acknowledge that we need to change, as a country and as a people. It just takes a little longer for some of us to let go of our VCR's and 8-tracks. Ultimately, you don't do out and get a cell phone because everyone else is doing it, you get it because you think it can make your life easier and better. Change has certainly been accelerated during this election cycle, but as with everything, it does take time.

How Much is $700 Billion Anyway?

With all the crazy bailout talk of the past week or so, that number 700 billion continues to get thrown around like a hot potatoe (I know it's spelled wrong...it's my tribute to the last VP nominee that showed such a vast understanding of nothing).

Anyway, how much is 700 billion dollars? We'll a gentleman named Scott sent me a message about a youtube video he created and asked if I would post it. After checking it out to make sure I wouldn't be adding any "2 girls, 1 cup" material to my squeaky clean blog, I was happy to find that Scott had actually made a really good video that puts this massive bailout into a perspective that makes it very easy to wrap your head around. I encourage you to take a look at Scott's video, and see another way to look at this scary-expensive rescue plan. So, thank you to Scott for the video, and for all you others out there, feel free to take Scott's lead and sent me your videos, comments, etc. If you're really nice to me and promise to make me cookies...I might even let you write a guest blog. (cookies are not actually expected in return for guest blogging opportunities)

AN AMERICAN STORY

Please take the time to give Scott a good rating or comment on his video at youtube.

To Bailout or Not to Bailout, That is the Recession.

My fellow Americans...What the hell is going on? We have a bailout, we don't have a bailout, democrats approve, republicans disapprove, cats living together with dogs...well, as the kids like to text...WTF? I wanted to write about this after this whole thing went kaboom on Monday, and Wall Street went down like a John Denver Cessna flight, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the whole situation. So, I took some time, did some research and am now prepared to give the Elephant-vs-Jackass assessment of the situation. Let me preface this however by admitting that I have not read all 100 plus pages of the bailout proposal - outside of Harry Potter books and steamy romance novels, I simply refuse to read anything over 20 pages if I'm not getting paid.

Let me start by saying that President Bush needs to quit it with all this fire and brimstone, gloom and doom, stuff. The sky is not falling, pigs have yet learned to fly, and I'm pretty sure hell doesn't need a Zamboni. Panic and exaggeration only compact the problem at hand, and unfortunately, many of us, including our congressmen and women, have fallen for this "the world's going to explode" ideology. Yes, we have a hefty sized problem on a wet paper plate, but lets keep things in perspective. We absolutely need to pass some kind of rescue plan, but it needs to be done intelligently. Rushing to a solution just to have one, doesn't mean it's a good one. This decision will impact our nation for many years to come, so it makes sense that if we need a couple days do get it right, rather than just get it done, so be it. It can't be delayed for months and months, as the credit markets are getting pretty chilly, but I think most Americans are willing to hold off for a week on getting that loan for a KIA, if it means they won't be raped and pillaged by the government for the next 5 years.

Enjoy this, because it doesn't happen often - I actually applaud the Republicans on this for not passing the bailout deal as it stood. Even if there were slimy political motives behind it, it was the right conclusion...that bill was crap on a stick. Of course credit goes to those Democrats as well who went against their party to fight for something better for Joe Farmer and Suzy Salesclerk. I especially want to give credit to Dennis Kucinich, who opposed the bill. If there is a single person in Washington that does more to fight for the average American, and bring some accountability and integrity to the Hill, I certainly haven't identified them. Mr. Kucinich gave one of the most rational, non-political assessments of the deal that I have heard, so Dennis, even if you believe in UFO's and can hide entire cities in your coat pockets, you're ok in my book.

On the reverse side of this, there are many people that should be stoned for this debacle. First of all, will somebody please tell Nancy Pelosi when it is and when it is not a good time to infuse politics in to the crucial decision making that needs to be done on behalf of the entire country. If you missed Pelosi's speech, let me paraphrase: "Before we vote, I want to point out that we are in this mess because of all of you right wing jerkoffs and your shit for brains ideology. Now vote with me to pass this bill." Thankfully Ms. Pelosi's idiocy was matched by a large portion of Republican representatives who had their feelings hurt by the Speaker's tender and thoughtful speech. And once again, the best interests of you and me and Bobby McGee, were thrown out that big metaphorical window so our representatives could play Red guy Vs. Blue guy.

Looking for more idiots to get pissed off at? I offer up the ancient soul of one Senator John McCain. Thank God he called off his campaign to save the world by pushing through this important bailout - and then called his campaign back on because he was confident he had saved the day and got his fellow Republicans on board with the bill - and then blamed Barack Obama for doing nothing as the bill failed to pass - trying to hide the point that his help...well, it didn't help. If this is the kind of cool, rational thinking and leadership we can expect from a McCain presidency, we might as well just have Sarah Palin running the country, so at least we can have something to laugh at.

So, now for the bailout and what I think is wrong with it. This Bailout has several faults. To begin with, it doesn't really address the mortgage crisis. You can pump money back into these huge banks and investment firms forever, but until we find ways to keep people in their homes, we're not going to get rid of this problem. There are tons of ideas from economists on how to do this, and I'll try to get to those in the next few days. Also, from what I can tell, the bill will limit annual salaries for CEO's of these companies to $500,000 - but I haven't yet seen anything that limits their multi-million bonuses...hopefully I just missed that part in my skim through. I think both Senators Obama and McCain are correct in requesting the FDIC to raise their insured level from $100,000 to $250,000. Frankly this rate should have been adjusted long ago because of this crazy little thing called inflation. Now might be a good time to insure the American people that a larger portion of their funds are safe, don't you think? But basically their is one fundamental problem that kind of umbrellas the whole issue...

Bailout 2.0 simply continues the same same trickle down economics that helped push as in to this losing affair. Let's buy up all these toxic investments and give the money to these companies that screwed over the country on their greed, and expect that they will do better, consumers will gain confidence, money will flow freely from the well, and trickle down onto the peons of the country(yes, that pun was intentional). Really? That's like a parent saying, "Billy, you really have to stop punching your little brother in the face, he doesn't like it, but you know what, why don't you go ahead and punch him in the face again, and maybe he'll bleed less this time...he needs to toughen up." We have to have Mom and Dad sticking up for the little brother in this situation. We can't just give the same few powerful, wealthy people more money after they mess up, and expect them to make better decisions with it the second time around. This plan gives no significant reason for this to not happen again in the future, and that is the main problem.

The Lemonade Stand Version of the Bailout
I like to think of this plan in terms of a lemonade stand. Picture this. A couple of kids have these lemonade stands set up in their neighborhood and are doing really well for themselves. Their raking in a couple bucks a day with their high quality lemonade from fresh squeezed lemons. They then find an opportunity to buy a crappy lemonade mixture from their buddy down the street for less, and still sell it off for more. The kids start pulling in even more money. Then they find out another kid in the neighborhood is simply pissing in cups and calling it lemonade. They decide to buy up his piss in a cup, and sell that off too. Now, the kids are taking in more money then they know what to do with. These kids just start filling cup after cup with piss lemonade, because hey, nobody's watching them. Then - a problem hits. The first customers start to realize that they aren't getting fresh squeezed lemonade, and realize they just purchased shitty lemonade mixture. Then it gets even worse when other people realize that they just bought and drank piss, for the price of fresh squeezed lemonade. And these kids now have all the money they earned tied up in all this shitty lemonade mixture and piss - but now nobody wants any of their toxic lemonade, and they are forced to shut down. But then, the parents decide they need to step in, and they say, "This is no good. This neighborhood needs its lemonade stands. You know what kids, we've got a plan. We're going to buy up all of your shitty lemonade and piss with this money we collected from every person in the neighborhood. You can take that money and start your lemonade stand back up, and we'll trust that you'll go back to selling fresh-squeezed lemonade, rather than urine in a cup. People will start buying lemonade again, and everything will be great. And the best part is, we'll hold on to your old shitty lemonade and piss for a while, and then we'll try to sell it off for a profit, and pay everyone in the neighborhood back. Then we can all live happily ever after."

I guess to sum things up in a tidy little package, there is more that is wrong with this bailout than is right. While I despise the fact that politics is preventing progress in Washington, I'm glad they're at least going to try and make some improvements. Unfortunately, I can't help but feel that we are setting ourselves up to purchase a 700 billion dollar band-aid. And once again, Wall Street will walk off jovially into the sunset with pockets full of money, and you'll be stuck helping the government buy their piss.

A Fashionably Late or Functionably Lazy Roundup of the First Debate

After watching the 1st presidential debate on Friday evening, and then watching the pundits on both sides eat the truth, work it through their systems and regurgitate it as an all new dish, I thought I'd wait for the weekend and wine to wear off before I jumped into the topic. In my opinion, there was no knockout punch, but I would have to say Obama came out a little less bloodied. Here's what I took away from the whole thing:

1. What was with John McCain's insistence on making reference after reference that reminds us how old he is. Come on John, get your head in the game. Your not helping your cause by pointing out that you've been soft-shoeing in the senate since Jesus was a boy, or that your best friends are mostly dinosaurs and cavemen, or that you have the fire needed to change Washington because you were around when fire was discovered. We get it pops, you've been around the block in your Flintstones car a few times...stop feeding the liberals with ammunition.

2. John McCain does not like losing. As in the past, he was very persistent in pointing out that victory is within site in Iraq, and we are winning this and that, and that Obama doesn't want to give troops the resources they need to win, etc. I'm sorry if this seems off base, especially since the closest I've come to war is a couple all-nighter games of Risk - but who really wins in this kind of war? We're spending 10 billion a month in Iraq, so we're losing money, not winning it. Last I checked, we don't seem to have made any new friends in the world by waging this war, so we're not winning friends or respect. Those 4,000 dead US soldiers certainly didn't win. Nor did the countless dead Iraqis, which apparently aren't even worth reporting about. So who won? It doesn't sound to me like anyone has or will win anything out of this whole Goddamn ordeal. Maybe a few oil companies won, but the rest of us are leaving the fair with empty wallets, sadness, and no giant plush Osama Bin Laden. John McCain can take his winning attitude and shove it up his winning ass, and then tell us all how great victory feels.

3. Is it just me or was everyone wearing an absurd amount of make-up? It was like a clown party up on that stage. I was half expecting Jim Lehrer to give each candidate a few tosses at the Bozo Buckets. Will someone please inform the make-up artists of the world that we now have this thing called HD-TV?

4. I think John McCain has Derek Zoolander syndrome and can turn left, because he didn't look at Obama once. Not that Obama was much better, but he at least managed to rotate his torso a few degrees from time to time and look at his opponent.

5. Both of the senators appeared to be knowledgeable on the issues, with no significant advantage for either on any single topic. They both said what their bases wanted to hear and did so in an intelligent manner. I think each had opportunities to get a solid hit in on their opponent, but both settled for simple sparring. Obama could have put a solid upper-cut to the jaw of McCain's "I'm all for veterans" argument with bringing up his 20% approval rating by the Disabled Veterans of America. But no, he didn't take the shot, because his answers were a little too prepared.

I was overall rather bored by the whole affair. Maybe it's because I follow this stuff every day, or maybe it's because I'm already too excited about the VP battle royale coming this Thursday. Maybe I was just disappointed that McCain showed up and I couldn't use the same 'McChicken' joke that every blogger and journalist in the world was dying to use. Oh well, I guess I can always turn my attention to more exciting activities, like like watching the stock market bungee jump with a piece of yarn around its ankle. Yikes!

Millions of deceptive absentee ballots sent to registered democrats by McCain Campaign

Well, as much as I want this to be a humor blog, there are some things that I just won't joke about (at least yet) because they are too serious and important. Voters rights are getting played like a fiddle, and regardless of who you want to vote for, the process should be done fairly.

Reports are surfacing today about the McCain campaign sending out millions of absentee voter ballots to registered Democrats. Stupid Republicans, Right?

WRONG! Smart Republicans.

So why would the McCain campaign send out these pro-McCain absentee ballots to registered democrats? Well, buckle-up kiddies and come along for the ride!

As much as i wish this was a joke, these are not phony absentee ballots, they are legit - which is the problem. These absentee ballots, which feature very pro-McCain images and references, may seem like they are trying to sway Democrats to vote for McCain, but that is not the case. They want you to fill out the absentee ballot for Obama. But Why would the McCain Campaign want people to vote for Obama? Here's where it gets fun...

These ballots have a small box (not required by law) for the absentee voter to check if they confirm they are legally able to vote. This box, however, is easy to miss and is not on normal absentee ballots.

HOW IT WORKS: These ballots were sent specifically to registered democrats in most cases. The idea is that the democratic recipients will put in an absentee ballot for Obama, but if they don't catch the little box (which is not on standard ballots, but is legal) then their vote cannot legally be counted. In addition to this deceiving (but apparently legal) tactic, the return addresses on many of these ballots are to the wrong county clerks office, so once completed and returned by the voter, they go to the wrong place. This means once again, the absentee ballot can become null and void, without the voter even knowing. So, you think you've placed your absentee ballot for Obama, but in reality, you've just had your vote stolen and wasted by a forced technicality. Is this really happening? Yes. Is it illegal? It's really tip-toeing the line.

Whether you are a Republican or Democrat, you should be upset about this, because it is abusing your right as an American Voter. This is an extremely dirty tactic trying to play off the ignorance of the American people. As the day goes on, reports are starting to surface of this mailing campaign hitting more and more states. Several links are below, with literally thousands of others to be found if you do a search. Some are from traditional news sources and some are from blogs, but I tried to keep it to blogs that are generally considered legit.

Source(s):
http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/9/5/1

http://blackboxvoting.com/s9/index.php?/

There's already an interesting twist in Hamilton, OH, where the county clerk (a registered Democrat) has already found close to a thousand votes that could not legally be counted, because that little box wasn't checked. Now, the McCain Camp is pissed that this county clerk wants to return the ballots to voters so they can check the box, claiming she is tampering with votes. So, not only are they putting out these deceptive ballots, but they are also trying to blame the Democrats. With the election 2 months away, it is already trying to be stolen. Go ahead and call it a conspiracy theory if you want, but this is the real deal. Please be very careful when voting, especially if you are voting absentee. Everyone, regardless of whom they want to vote for, should have their ballot counted fairly. I would hope despite our differences that we could at least agree on that.

McCain overtakes Obama in the polls - finally!

Has anyone out there ever taken a poll? I have never in my life taken a poll for a politcal race, or any other reason? What's more than that...I don't know anyone else that has either. Are the same 800 people taking these polls every week, or are these polling places just going, "oh yeah, we asked 942 people who they'll vote for and here's what they said...and here's a margin of error since we really didn't ask anybody."

And who are these 4-10% of people that are undecided? Clearly the only reasonable choice in this election is McCain. In case you didn't know, he's a war hero, and a Maverick. And in true Top Gun reference mode, I am happy to see that "Maverick" found his "Goose" (Palin). I mean McCain is the candidate of experience, and the candidate of change. He's a reformer who's voted with Bush 100% of the time so far this year, but remains a maverick for calling himself a reformer when evidence clearly indicates otherwise. He can be the attack dog, but has managed to make it 'unfair' if he's attacked. Clearly, according to himself, he is the candidate for everything. And the best thing is, he doesn't even have to tell us how...he's that good. How could you still be undecided? The answer is clear.

And why don't they have a Vice President Poll? I want to see a poll where they ask if the presidential nominee for each party were incapacitated, who would you rather have running the country - Biden or Palin? I want me some Sarah Palin! Ever since she came on board, the republican party has really shown all those "celebrity worshipping" Obama followers, that you can't just vote for someone who's...a celebrity. Oh, and did you see the latest People and Us magazine photos of Palin? OMG - Fabulous!

How about a poll on hypocracy? ....Anyone? ....Bueller? ....Yeah, I thought not.

Cindy McCain's Dress

According to an associated press article released today, Vanity Fair editors estimated that McCain's fierce saffron shirt dress with the popped collar, diamond earrings, four-strand pearl necklace, white Chanel watch and strappy shoes totaled up to $313,100. Who says that the McCain's are out of touch with average American's? If I wear my jeans that I have on today that cost about $31.31 for the next 10,000 days (27 years), isn't that really the same thing?

And noboday's complaining about the famous Michelle Obama "The View" dress. That thing costs $148, and it was off the rack. Off the freakin' rack. Shouldn't a potential first lady be wearing something classier than a dress that most women in America could go out and buy? Out of touch.

John McCain's Acceptance Speech

I thought John McCain's acceptance speech tonight, USA USA USA USA, was incredibly, USA USA USA, long, which means he has a lot to, USA USA USA USA USA USA say.  Many critics of McCain, USA USA USA USA, have said that he hasn't presented the issues, USA USA USA, but tonight he showed, USA USA, that USA USA USA USA, that he knows what the issues are, USA USA USA.  

His message will, USA USA USA, clearly invigorate, USA USA USA USA, hockey moms, USA USA USA, Nascar fans, USA USA USA, Formula 1 fans, USA USA, Motocross fans, USA USA USA, monster truck fans, USA USA USA, and all sorts of people USA USA, that have looked at the last eight years, and said, "Thank you sir, can I have another" USA USA USA!

Leave Sarah Palin Alone! Why Sarah Palin Rocks!

Everyone needs to just leave Governor Sarah Palin alone.  Clearly you massive hoard of liberals (who are all sexist) don't understand that Sarah Palin is perhaps the most amazing person ever.  When you really break down the person behind the legend you will find, perhaps, the crown jewel of humanity.

Sarah Palin, although human in form, is perhaps better described as a superhero.  When faced with moments of crisis as a member of the PTA in Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin managed to keep diplomacy at the forefront, and prevent a school bus route change from escalating to nuclear Holocaust.

When opposition said, "why would we spend $360 billion to build a bridge to nowhere?" - She had the courage to stand up and say, "Because that bridge does go somewhere.  It goes where this ferry we already have, already goes...but this is a road".  And then she later had the strength to say, "maybe that bridge does go nowhere, let's not do that."  You see, she has the power to firmly say yes, and no, sometimes without even having to change issues.

If this isn't enough, please consider that Governer Palin has a long and storied history of "lowering taxes", which at face value may seem like a minor accomplishment to some.  But when you consider that she managed to due this in a state with no sales or income tax, the feat becomes significantly more awe-inspiring.

When everyone else was pleading to save the polar bears and keep them protected as an endangered species, she had the fortitude to say, "Fuck those polar bears".   When she discovered that wolves and moose were pretty fast animals, she fought hard for equality, and leveled the playing field by hunting them from aircraft.  Think she's not ready to defend the country, just give her a helicopter and a gun, and it will be game over for the opposition.

And through the course of all this, she's managed to be a hockey mom, a beauty contestant, and a sportscaster.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a hockey mom?...those kids have a ton of gear.  And she has handled it all without losing her Caribou Barbie looks.  While others like Barack Obama were wasting their time in the state and national senate, Palin was balancing the  the budget and dealing with the excruciating grind of being the mayor of Wasilla.  She fought so hard for her town, that she single-handedly brought in almost 30 million dollars in funding to this small town - so much money you couldn't even fit it in a pork barrel.   And in her epic, 18 month stint as governor of Alaska, she has continued to fight for the masses.  She'll fight for them as US citizens, or a soverign nation - whatever they want her to do, as long as she stays in office.

This woman has more executive experience than Barack Obama and Joe Biden combined as long as your fair enough to include her heroic history as a member of the Wasilla City counsel.  She has more experience then Obama.  More experience than Biden.  More experience than every Clinton on earth combined.  More experience than Jesus.

Is she qualified to be the Vice President or even the President of this country?  The better question, is are we qualified to be her country.