Elephant Vs Jackass went on Vacation and I am well aware that I suck for not posting in two weeks, but I promise to win back your affections.

Ok, I am sorry I stopped posting for a couple weeks in the midst of one of the most important political decisions in our countries history. I was on vacation in places with little or no internet, and was unable to post, and frankly I think I was suffering from "electile dysfunction". Probably, like many of you, I had OD'd, on CNN, and MSNBC discussing the DNC and GOP on my TV. I was beginning to formulate advanced theories about Anderson Cooper being a cyborg, and Paul Begala and Dennis Kucinich forming an underground leprechaun army, and all sorts of other completely off the wall theories. But, after a little down time with the family in the woods, I am ready to steamroll through the rest of this election and beyond. Hopefully you'll forgive me, even if it's to late to 'pologize (hey). I'll make it up to you. I'll take you to a fancy dinner where I'll order us the cheapest bottle of wine possible, we'll both get drunk, and have hours and hours of hot and dirty make-up blogging...I'll pick you up at 8...where something nice.

So, with my apology out of the way, let me fill you in on my trip a little, and then we can move on to voter fraud, Joe the Plummer, Dress-me-up Caribou Barbie, and all sorts of other fun stuff. It was really interesting going back to the Midwest after pissing away here in Los Angeles for most of this election cycle. I had only seen pictures on TV of what a McCain/Palin bumper sticker or yard sign looked like. Frankly, I thought that maybe McCain and Palin were just mythological creatures, like Mormons. But, when I was traveling through Western Pennsylvania and into Northern Ohio, I saw a lot of McCain and Palin signs. Thankfully there are more than enough people in those parts that know that what this country really needs is an erratic, old-balls, self-proclaimed maverick for president, and a comedy writers dream come true waiting in the wings. Of course there were quite a few misguided souls who decided to litter their slowly browning lawns with Obama paraphernalia as well. Don't they know that this is Republican country? You know, the pro-American part of the country. Not the Anti-America part like where I live. Well, I had a very nice visit with my in-laws, and for the most part, adhered to my wife's rule that I could not talk about politics.

The second part of my trip took me to see my family in Michigan, which was astonishingly beautiful at the time with all the leaves changing. From the moment I got in the car with my Dad at the airport and started driving off, I could tell things were quite a bit different in Michigan than they had been in Ohio. Even in very rural area like where my parents now live, I could have hopped across the state from one Obama sign to another (if they weren't made of low-grade vinyl and Popsicle sticks). Even stranger than that was seeing my grandparents. My grandpa is 87 years old and has never in his life voted for a democrat. This year, he will.

Perhaps, that's what gets lost in the rhetoric of 'change'. In places like Michigan, where people have really been hit hard, people aren't just asking their government to change, their asking themselves to. It's easy to lose sight of what's really going on out there when you're living in a place like Los Angeles. In California, we change just for the sake of changing sometimes...wait, I changed my mind on that thought...nope...changed it again...we're ok now. But in the vast majority of the country, change takes a little bit more time to work it's way through the system - take for example all the people I saw wearing Ed Hardy shirts - Ed Hardy is so 2007. Seriously, people are in no hurry to keep up with the 'changing' ways of us California folks. Did you hear the new Bing Crosby album? It's killer.

The point is that, as divided as this country seems, we all seem to acknowledge that we need to change, as a country and as a people. It just takes a little longer for some of us to let go of our VCR's and 8-tracks. Ultimately, you don't do out and get a cell phone because everyone else is doing it, you get it because you think it can make your life easier and better. Change has certainly been accelerated during this election cycle, but as with everything, it does take time.

How Much is $700 Billion Anyway?

With all the crazy bailout talk of the past week or so, that number 700 billion continues to get thrown around like a hot potatoe (I know it's spelled wrong...it's my tribute to the last VP nominee that showed such a vast understanding of nothing).

Anyway, how much is 700 billion dollars? We'll a gentleman named Scott sent me a message about a youtube video he created and asked if I would post it. After checking it out to make sure I wouldn't be adding any "2 girls, 1 cup" material to my squeaky clean blog, I was happy to find that Scott had actually made a really good video that puts this massive bailout into a perspective that makes it very easy to wrap your head around. I encourage you to take a look at Scott's video, and see another way to look at this scary-expensive rescue plan. So, thank you to Scott for the video, and for all you others out there, feel free to take Scott's lead and sent me your videos, comments, etc. If you're really nice to me and promise to make me cookies...I might even let you write a guest blog. (cookies are not actually expected in return for guest blogging opportunities)

AN AMERICAN STORY

Please take the time to give Scott a good rating or comment on his video at youtube.

Sarah Palin is set loose to speak for herself

I'll keep this short, because there is literally nothing I can say to even explain this.  This video from CNN shows us what we've all been waiting for...Sarah Palin - UNSCRIPTED!  And oh my God, did she deliver.  This is her response to a question regarding potential export bans on newly drilled US oil at a town hall forum in Grand Rapids, MI.  This masterpiece may rival Ms. South Carolina.  Please feel free to watch multiple times.

What do the people want?  A transcript you ask?  Well, a transcript you shall receive my good people.

TRANSCRIPT:
"Oil and coal? Of course, it's a fungible commodity and they don't flag, you know, the molecules, where it's going and where it's not. But in the sense of the Congress today, they know that there are very, very hungry domestic markets that need that oil first," Palin said. "So, I believe that what Congress is going to do, also, is not to allow the export bans to such a degree that it's Americans that get stuck to holding the bag without the energy source that is produced here, pumped here. It's got to flow into our domestic markets first."

I believe there is not a need for me to say anything else.

McCain overtakes Obama in the polls - finally!

Has anyone out there ever taken a poll? I have never in my life taken a poll for a politcal race, or any other reason? What's more than that...I don't know anyone else that has either. Are the same 800 people taking these polls every week, or are these polling places just going, "oh yeah, we asked 942 people who they'll vote for and here's what they said...and here's a margin of error since we really didn't ask anybody."

And who are these 4-10% of people that are undecided? Clearly the only reasonable choice in this election is McCain. In case you didn't know, he's a war hero, and a Maverick. And in true Top Gun reference mode, I am happy to see that "Maverick" found his "Goose" (Palin). I mean McCain is the candidate of experience, and the candidate of change. He's a reformer who's voted with Bush 100% of the time so far this year, but remains a maverick for calling himself a reformer when evidence clearly indicates otherwise. He can be the attack dog, but has managed to make it 'unfair' if he's attacked. Clearly, according to himself, he is the candidate for everything. And the best thing is, he doesn't even have to tell us how...he's that good. How could you still be undecided? The answer is clear.

And why don't they have a Vice President Poll? I want to see a poll where they ask if the presidential nominee for each party were incapacitated, who would you rather have running the country - Biden or Palin? I want me some Sarah Palin! Ever since she came on board, the republican party has really shown all those "celebrity worshipping" Obama followers, that you can't just vote for someone who's...a celebrity. Oh, and did you see the latest People and Us magazine photos of Palin? OMG - Fabulous!

How about a poll on hypocracy? ....Anyone? ....Bueller? ....Yeah, I thought not.

Palin's Ebay Jet

There's been a fair amount of discussion around the story of how Sarah Palin sold her predecessor's luxery jet on ebay. Some questions were, who bought it? How much did they pay? When was it sold? My first question was, who sells a jet on ebay? I guess no matter what the question, the answer was always pretty clear - how cool is Govenor Palin for being a reformer that sold off a luxery jet that wasn't necessary.

Unfortunately, reports are coming out today that the jet, while listed on ebay at one time, didn't actually sell on Ebay, or for a profit as claimed by the McCain/Palin ticket - which aside from being a totally sexist report makes Palin and McCain look like liers. But it's really not a big deal. I mean, Palin did eventually sell the jet to an Alaskan businessman (who had donated to her campaign) for a significant loss, but it's almost the same thing. Not to mention after ebay failed to produce a high enough bidder (as if most americans don't just have 2.7 million sitting around) she tried to sell it 3 times at a San Jose auction house, which when that failed, she sold to her fellow Alaskan. Do you see how determined this woman is to sell? While she might not have sold the jet on ebay, she did sell most of America on the non-fact that she did, which in turn does make her a great saleswoman. Just because she sold the jet to a deep pockets insider for a loss, instead of to the winner of a fair democratic auction for a profit doesn't mean that she's not a reformer, or twists the truth, does it?

John McCain's Acceptance Speech

I thought John McCain's acceptance speech tonight, USA USA USA USA, was incredibly, USA USA USA, long, which means he has a lot to, USA USA USA USA USA USA say.  Many critics of McCain, USA USA USA USA, have said that he hasn't presented the issues, USA USA USA, but tonight he showed, USA USA, that USA USA USA USA, that he knows what the issues are, USA USA USA.  

His message will, USA USA USA, clearly invigorate, USA USA USA USA, hockey moms, USA USA USA, Nascar fans, USA USA USA, Formula 1 fans, USA USA, Motocross fans, USA USA USA, monster truck fans, USA USA USA, and all sorts of people USA USA, that have looked at the last eight years, and said, "Thank you sir, can I have another" USA USA USA!

CNN shows the GOP's diversity.

Thank God for CNN's honest and fair look at the GOP delegates at the Republican National Convention. There has been so much negative talk about how the crowd gathered at the RNC, and the Republican Party, are just a bunch of old white guys. Thanks to some stellar camera work and production at CNN, you know better, if you've been watching. Almost every third shot of the crowd, featured a black person. In fact, both African Americans in attendance were featured almost more than images of Presidential hopeful McCain. Where's the diversity you ask? How about the young white guys, or even the young white woman that were shown? CNN made sure that we were aware of the presence of the young Republican voters out there, catching all of them on camera, before they carpooled home in their Chevy Malibu, following the evenings final speech by Democrat-turned republican-but still technically democrat-but Pro John McCain-despite agreeing with him on nothing- Joe Lieberman.

While some may just see an ocean of old white guys, I saw diversity. Even in their featured music performance of the evening, the Republicans reached out with a performer who appeals to all Americans, regardless of race, color, or religion, with Christian singer/songwriter Rachael Lampa. Lampa's inspired performances made every American want to put down their New Testiment for just a moment and cheer.

While other news orginizations tried to say their wasn't diversity, CNN found it, thus joining the ranks of the big boy, fair news sources, like Fox News. So while other networks may claim that this is not as diverse a party as the Democrats, CNN proved that in the midst of the Red tie, very White, and Blue haired crowed, there was also a dash of black, a dollip of brown, and a Jew giving a speech.

Leave Sarah Palin Alone! Why Sarah Palin Rocks!

Everyone needs to just leave Governor Sarah Palin alone.  Clearly you massive hoard of liberals (who are all sexist) don't understand that Sarah Palin is perhaps the most amazing person ever.  When you really break down the person behind the legend you will find, perhaps, the crown jewel of humanity.

Sarah Palin, although human in form, is perhaps better described as a superhero.  When faced with moments of crisis as a member of the PTA in Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin managed to keep diplomacy at the forefront, and prevent a school bus route change from escalating to nuclear Holocaust.

When opposition said, "why would we spend $360 billion to build a bridge to nowhere?" - She had the courage to stand up and say, "Because that bridge does go somewhere.  It goes where this ferry we already have, already goes...but this is a road".  And then she later had the strength to say, "maybe that bridge does go nowhere, let's not do that."  You see, she has the power to firmly say yes, and no, sometimes without even having to change issues.

If this isn't enough, please consider that Governer Palin has a long and storied history of "lowering taxes", which at face value may seem like a minor accomplishment to some.  But when you consider that she managed to due this in a state with no sales or income tax, the feat becomes significantly more awe-inspiring.

When everyone else was pleading to save the polar bears and keep them protected as an endangered species, she had the fortitude to say, "Fuck those polar bears".   When she discovered that wolves and moose were pretty fast animals, she fought hard for equality, and leveled the playing field by hunting them from aircraft.  Think she's not ready to defend the country, just give her a helicopter and a gun, and it will be game over for the opposition.

And through the course of all this, she's managed to be a hockey mom, a beauty contestant, and a sportscaster.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a hockey mom?...those kids have a ton of gear.  And she has handled it all without losing her Caribou Barbie looks.  While others like Barack Obama were wasting their time in the state and national senate, Palin was balancing the  the budget and dealing with the excruciating grind of being the mayor of Wasilla.  She fought so hard for her town, that she single-handedly brought in almost 30 million dollars in funding to this small town - so much money you couldn't even fit it in a pork barrel.   And in her epic, 18 month stint as governor of Alaska, she has continued to fight for the masses.  She'll fight for them as US citizens, or a soverign nation - whatever they want her to do, as long as she stays in office.

This woman has more executive experience than Barack Obama and Joe Biden combined as long as your fair enough to include her heroic history as a member of the Wasilla City counsel.  She has more experience then Obama.  More experience than Biden.  More experience than every Clinton on earth combined.  More experience than Jesus.

Is she qualified to be the Vice President or even the President of this country?  The better question, is are we qualified to be her country.